Have you ever been in a situation when you really felt like you were the victim and acted on it, but later on realized that you’ve turned into the aggressor?
I had problems with one of our household help. She had an attitude, would get into fights with other helps, didn’t do her job properly. It’s also hard to ask her to do something, and I often felt like having to walk on eggshells whenever I’m around her. Whenever I ask her to do something in her job description (that in the first place I didn’t have to ask if she does her job properly), she would pretend like she didn’t hear it or act like she’s doing me a favor. I was really thinking about letting her go, but I didn’t have the power to do it because she wasn’t directly under me.
Then I read Psalms 140-142. The lines that struck me in Psalm 140 were:
Psalm 140: 1-3,8,11-12:
1 Rescue me, Lord, from evildoers;
protect me from the violent,
2 who devise evil plans in their hearts
and stir up war every day.
3 They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s;
the poison of vipers is on their lips.
8 Do not grant the wicked their desires, Lord;
do not let their plans succeed.
11 May slanderers not be established in the land;
may disaster hunt down the violent.
12 I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor
and upholds the cause of the needy.
I was really surprised that I felt convicted and guilty about my feelings towards our help. Before this, I really felt righteous and the victim. Now after reflecting on it, I’ve realized that I’ve turned into the violent men described in Psalms. Why? I’ve always thought that I was being gracious to our help because I didn’t try to clash with her, I was the one adjusting. When normally I would have said what’s on my mind, I kept quiet. But the problem was I didn’t let go of the negative feelings I felt, and they grew. Before I read the verses above, I reprimanded her for not doing something (one of only a few times I corrected her which, now that I thought about it, might be wrong because how can she improve if we’re not telling her what she’s doing wrong?). I wasn’t shouting, I was actually near calm, but I could feel the anger boiling in me. Verse 2 “Who devise evil things in their hearts;They continually stir up wars” spoke to me. I felt God admonishing me, telling me to be careful and take a closer look at what’s in my heart. The emotions that I felt started from confusion (What are you talking about? Am I not the victim here??), to horror (Have I been doing other small things that showed anger towards her? Haven’t I been thinking of the many reasons why we should let her go? Have I been one-sided, not thinking about her situation and placing myself in her shoes?), and finally to thankfulness.
Thankfulness. Isn’t our God a great, faithful and gracious God? He doesn’t stop at giving His one and only Son, Jesus, to save us from our sins. He even helps us and guides us in our walk with Him. He loves us so much, that He sent the Holy Spirit to convict us whenever we do something or think of something that is not pleasing to Him. He’s there to help us correct our hearts and move it to the direction of God. We just have to always pray for Him to work in us and accept His kind words wholeheartedly, may it be through His Word or through the people He used to send His message.
Psalm 141:3-5
3 Set a guard over my mouth, Lord;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
4 Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil
so that I take part in wicked deeds
along with those who are evildoers;
do not let me eat their delicacies.
5 Let a righteous man strike me—that is a kindness;
let him rebuke me—that is oil on my head.
My head will not refuse it,
for my prayer will still be against the deeds of evildoers.
coffee talks with Him 